i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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