ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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