Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I can't turn off my feet"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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