yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Randomize
