I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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