I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
