The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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