I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
