When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
