Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
