put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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