Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
