you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
