I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
