Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Randomize
