Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
