dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
