There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
