i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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