I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
