I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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