i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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