Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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