When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
