It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
