i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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