woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
