I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
