i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize