Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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