Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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