you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
