I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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