Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
