I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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