She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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