Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
