Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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