So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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