what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
