My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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