i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
