I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
