god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
