I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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