a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
