I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
even my farts smell like vagina
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize