Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
