I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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