I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
