Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
