3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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