Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
