worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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