i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
