I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
