just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
