I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
