Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
