TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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