I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
