Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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