Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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